I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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