Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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