I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
