Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
