____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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