The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
