seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
