I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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