I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
