I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
