you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
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it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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