omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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