He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
