Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
