I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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