i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
