Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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