then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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