i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
