I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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