How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
