Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
