How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
