So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
