i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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