Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
