you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
