There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
