one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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