Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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