I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
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Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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