Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
