Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
