The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
