he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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