I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
