at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
