I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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