i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
