it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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