I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
