How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
