Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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