I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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