I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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