The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I am available for nakedness
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
