Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
