I am puke
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was born a porn star she said
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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