I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
