Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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