she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
