My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
