the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
