nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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