things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
