At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
