okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
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40s are totally the cure
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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