i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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