And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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